The Right to Remain Silent

To all ladies out there who are in a relationship (either married or not yet), do you find it hard to just shut up in the middle of an argument with your partner? Or, isn't it more irritating when your partner doesn't respond to whatever you're saying (or doing)?

I hate it when I fall into streams of tears whenever I get into an argument with my husband. Aside from the puffy eyes I usually get the following morning, I hate the thought that I can't find the right words to express what I feel inside. My husband and I would usually fight over sex differences. Like, there are times he'd drink with his co-workers and he'd reason out that it was a boys night out. And I just can't accept that kind of explanation why he needs to join them for like 3 times in a week (at most). For me, on the other hand, since we're already married and has a daughter who's just about to turn 1, he must focus more on us (his family) rather than spend most of his "free" time with his friends or co-workers. I can't understand why he can't say no.

When we get into these fights or misunderstandings, he'd often shut up. I just hate that part! To me, it seems like he's not open for a dialogue. It's as if he's telling me that he doesn't want to discuss these things further so I'd rather shut up soon or he'll say hurtful one-liners. But the only reason why I wanted to talk to him is because I don't like this thing to happen again.

When I was able to provoke him, he'd unleash his tongue to say words that would often hurt me. And then I shut up. Sometimes (especially during our first months of marriage) I cry. But in my mind runs all the words that were fit perfectly in a sentence. How I wanted to say it all! But I can't control my sobs. So I end up stuttering as if those words are pieces of broken glass I'm picking up.

I'm about to sleep now but I just needed to vent out this feeling. They say it's not true that couples need to resolve their differences before going to sleep. When we're tired we just tend to act before thinking of its consequences. So I'd rather sleep on this than to keep on arguing with my husband.

The First Year of Her Life

I was about the celebrate my 23rd birthday last year when I found out I was carrying a beating heart in my womb. I used two pregnancy test kits just to be sure. I was a little in doubt of its result because I was only a month delayed. I never thought I'd be able to detect my pregnancy that early. But I was already showing signs - being sleepy, nauseating, becoming a picky eater. There would be times also that I don't feel okay wearing a certain shirt when in fact it was one of my favorites! (Blame the hormones!)

It was just like yesterday when my belly started to get bigger and bigger each day! My husband and I would marvel on how our baby would make my tummy look fluid. I envy him for being able to hug my tummy and for kissing it. Hahaha! How I wish I could bend my neck so I can kiss my baby as well!

This would be the last ultrasound photo of my daughter. I had 4 ultrasounds during my pregnancy! The first one was the transvaginal ultrasound. I was shocked by its procedure! Hahaha! But it was cute seeing that little thing "moving"! My OB couldn't hear the heartbeat using her Doppler machine during that time so she requested for that procedure instead just to be sure if my baby was alive! Thank God she is! :) The 2nd and 3rd ultrasounds I had were supposed to determine the sex of my baby and to report of her position. She was in a breech position and was never letting us see her genital! Hahaha! But these 2 ultrasounds depressed me because I feared of giving birth through CS. On my 8th month, I moved back to Bulacan and so I have to change my OB as well. When I had my checkup with my new OB, he said that the baby is in a cephalic position already - meaning, she's not in a breech position anymore. Hooray! But I just got to be very sure about this so I had my last ultrasound (the picture above).

I had 14 hours of labor. It was so painful that I threw up once and was saying foul words a lot of times! I was brought in the delivery room at around 12:00 midnight. At about 5:00 a.m. I wanted to call for my husband and request for CS delivery instead. But I had urges to push until the nurse told me there's the "bulging" of the head already. That gave me hope! I pushed when there's the contraction but my baby was having a hard time to come out. One nurse helped me by pushing just below my chest area! I thought I'd pass out because of that pressure but one long push brought my baby out to this world! She was placed above my tummy and wasn't crying in the beginning so the midwife had to tap her butt! When she cried I had mixed emotions! I didn't cry but I fell in love right at that moment! While she's being cleaned up, the midwife noticed that I was just watching everything she's doing with my baby. She said: "Your mommy's watching you intently that's why I can't even carry you for just a bit!" I was smiling.

This is the very first photo of my daughter with her father. While I was being stitched (and watched by interns!), the midwife handed my baby to my husband. My hubby was a little struck. He couldn't believe it's his baby! Haha! And as he was just warming up with his daughter, my mother took her "apo" from him. Hahaha!

Our first family picture

Her first Cerelac :)

Her signature smile :)

I was able to breastfeed her for the first 2 months. I ran out of milk when I started working full time. She likes milk! Hahaha! Just a few days before she turns 2 month-old, she weighed 6 kilos! That's when the pedia stopped her intake of multivitamins. She just continued her Vitamin C. She's not a sickly child. We didn't have any major problem when her first tooth erupted. She only had low-grade fever when she had her DPT vaccines.

On Sunday, we're going to celebrate her first year! :) I'm so excited! And I'm happy my baby survived that first crucial year of her life. :)

Keep smiling baby because the world lightens up when you do! :) I love you!

Her first piercing experience

Before giving birth, I didn't consider having my daughter's ears pierced. I concentrated more on how long does a "first-timer" labor, how to breathe properly, how to push, and so on and so forth. But not having her ears pierced!

Months have passed without me considering to put earrings to her ears... until she's about to turn 1!

Her grandma bought her 2 pairs of earrings but when I brought it to the doctor, she said it won't fit in the "gun". Those have a little bigger "stud" than the usual earrings for babies. So I chose a pair with her birth stones on it instead. I was a little nervous because she now knows "pain" and we might end up with no earrings on her ears. But I was thankful enough for the assistance of ate Pam (the nurse) and my daughter's new pedia. :)

She wailed! It seemed she won't ever forgive the pedia for what she did to her! Haha! But with a sip of choco shake (just a little), she forgot everything. On our way home, she fell into a deep sleep. :)

Baby Steps

I laugh when you try not to hold on to my hands. You like standing up on your own. Ever since you were born you seem to know already what you want. I was a little worried then because you're not like the babies of almost your same age who could crawl already. I was kind of blaming myself for not reading in advance the articles pertaining to "tummy time". I was thinking that maybe that's the cause of the delay. Then you surprised us when you were trying to pull yourself up in your crib! I was ecstatic! But your knees aren't that strong yet that's why you experienced also bumping your head on the sides of your crib. That's when I decided to dismantle your crib and give you instead a foam bed on the floor so you'll have a bigger space to explore.

And just look at you now! You stand up by holding on the ends of our sofa. You travel from our sala to our kitchen by holding on whatever you think is stable enough to support you. Your goal usually are things that aren't your usual toy. You really try your very best just to get it. And when you don't or you can't, you start crying. But when that thing is finally in your hands, you examine it. You look at it from front to back to front to back to front! You bang it on the floor or on the sofa or on the foam bed. Then you try to taste it and bite it until that thing is covered with your saliva! Hahaha! Then I'll be the KJ because I don't want you to get hurt by that thing so I'll steal it from you. You'll cry hard that our whole street might get scandalized by it! But I'll try to remain firm until you subside then we'll play another game instead.

I will let you stand on one corner without any support. I'll stand about one step away from you and encourage you to take your baby steps towards me. I have my hands ready to catch you when you fall. You wouldn't dare to step at first fearing you might fall. You'll close your fists and look me in the eyes. Then you let go. You took your first step then your second and then your third! You end up in my arms with smiles I can't trade for anything else!

Thank you for trusting me and I swear I will never break that trust. :)

I love you!

Why you should forgive but not forget

Maybe many of us have already heard this:

"Forgive and forget."

But most of us would argue that it's just easy to say that than to actually do it or live by it. I've tried a lot of times to forgive and forget but the latter was just really hard to do. Here are some reasons why:

1. The bruises you receive leave you scars. Some may blend with your skin tone but some would just want to share the spotlight with you. The bottom line: these scars won't leave you (unless you try to have some plastic surgery). Yet again, some scars aren't marks left by physical violence or accident. They're there deep in your soul.

2. The hurtful incident should be a lesson learned. I was hurt and I had hurt. I was forgiven and I also forgave. But I never wanted that same mistake to happen again.

3. Forgetting will not resolve the issue/s; forgiving does. We may try to ignore the things that have hurt us because we wanted to escape from it. But the more we run away from it, the more this ghost haunt us.

Now, if you can't forgive someone because you can't (or maybe, don't want to) forget what he/she did to you, just try to remember at least one happy event both of you had. We must learn to focus more on the beautiful things they did to us than keep remembering how we were badly hurt. I heard also from my friend that when you are projecting positive vibes, you are also attracting more positive energies to come to you. Vice versa: when you project negative energies, you also magnet more negative energies.

The World Is Such A Big Big Place

I'd like to be able to fly and feel the wind rushing into my face. I'd like to see the world as if they're a miniature scale of an architect. I'd like to be beside the clouds and pretend they're giant cotton candies! But most of all, I'd like to be in Sao Paulo, Brasil! Oh dreams!

Photo: screenshot from the movie Rio

My drug is called Love

My husband and I had a big dinner last night. So to let our stomach digest all the food we ate before we go to bed, we watched this movie Love and Other Drugs starring Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal. There were lots of nude shots and sex scenes but it wasn't that intimidating. Or maybe it's just because I'm comfortable watching it with my husband. The geek brother of Gyllenhaal here was our comic relief. It wasn't really heavy drama love story. It was actually, for me, inspiring. You may have gone through lots of experiences, meet different wonderful people, but in the end there'll be just one person who could make you smile by just looking at their face. I'm happy I found that person. :)

Photo: screenshot from the movie Love and Other Drugs

Bubble Babble

My almost 1 year-old daughter tries to tell us stories we couldn't understand (for now). She's probably building sentences by combining sounds she hears and words we utter. She'd say "izzzard" when she sees the wall where the lizard would often travel onto. She'd "meow" like a kitten when we say "meow! meow!" But it's very clear when she says "dadiii"! She once exclaimed "Lala!" (or Lola, grandmother in English) when her grandma surprised her. She seldom say "mamiii" or "mamaaa" but she prefers to be with me over anyone else.

Just last night when my husband and I got home, she started saying things we'd like to think was in English because of how she twangs the "words" she says. When she felt she wasn't given the attention she wants, she'd start screaming or crying! Hahaha!

She's really our little bundle of joy and the source of our never ending energy.